If I'm honest I'm not sure I truly know the answer to this. I am both strong, powerful and independent, but I am also self critical and self doubting to the point of self destruction. Is this the flip side of strength and confidence? Or is my self empowerment a veneer for something more troubling underneath?
In my previous post I mentioned my struggle with my creativity, more specifically my art. There is always some darkness to what I create, I'm not good at creating things that are light and fluffy. I'm just not made of the rainbows and unicorns type of stuff. This has been a cause of of much inner conflict, and annoyance with my artistic self. I've tried to create other things, to 'lighten up' shall we say, but it has always resulted in work left unfinished, screwed up in the bin and abandoned. I had unconsciously placed a gag on my true self and eventually she gave up the fight. My creativity and I floundered, and I'd spend more of my time staring at a blank page than I would do filling it.
A short while ago I came across an article about horsemanship (another passion I have neglected). It was to do with our connection to ourselves and to our horses and how they become symbiotic. At the very end of the piece was a phrase I have since been unable to shake, it has resonated so strongly with me that I think of it every time I put paint to paper. So I shall share it with you (if I can find it I'll link it at the bottom).
"To close off one part of oneself is to close off all of oneself"
That is exactly what I had done. In denying her, I had denied all that is true about myself. So I guess in some sense, this act of reclaiming is self empowerment in it's simplest form. My inner self can now not just simply exist but she can flourish because she is acknowledged. I won't go so far as to say accepted, but she is certainly on her way.
It sounds kinda fuddy to have personified her some much throughout but I feel to some extent my inner self, my creative self, my artistic self, is a character, a different soul. We are both different, yet we are one and the same.
So her she is in all her glory :)
Holy fuzz balls! A short post for once :) I told you you'd have one one day!
In a bit guys xx